An Update and Some Thoughts on Our Experience

I’m at home for the night. Kim’s sister got into town and they are staying at the hospital tonight. Today was much better than last night. I had a great chat with the doctor this morning. Aside from him declaring that Will is destined to be a Patriots fan, it was a great chat. The gist is the Will is still dealing with some jaundice. His bilirubin (call in the next 20 minutes and we’ll throw in 2^nd liver disorder for free) level is still high. The fifth day is typically the highpoint for these levels, so the doctor got proactive with the light therapy.

Unrelated to the jaundice is Will’s respiratory rate. This is the bigger issue. He’s still hovering around 90 breaths/minute. He needs to be below 70. Once he’s below 70 he can start feeding by bottle or breast. Will has to show that he can eat well before he can go home. This is what we are desperately waiting for. There are a few ancillary issues with the breathing. Will has a low-grade fever. This could be a result of the light therapy. It could be his body has yet to figure out how to regulate temperature. Or it could be an infection of some kind. If it is an infection, it could change the diagnosis vis-à-vis his breathing issues. Most likely the fever is nothing and the breathing will resolve itself in due time. I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not in control. The doctor keeps saying that Will is in control and he’ll set the pace.

In a sense, he’s right. But I can’t help but think that the doctor is mistaken. Job 38 and 39 detail the LORD’s response to Job. In no uncertain terms the LORD tells Job that He, and not Job, is in control. If you’ll permit my paraphrase, “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Was it you? Oh yeah, that’s right, you weren’t there. Who decided the measurements of the earth? Was it you? Oh yeah, that’s right, you weren’t there. Who told the waves, ‘You can come this far and no farther?’ Was it you? Oh yeah, that’s right, you weren’t there. Who was it, Job? Who? Tell me? That’s right, it was ME!” The doctor is wrong because the LORD is in control.

This has been a humbling experience for me. When we found out that Will would be in the NICU after birth, I immediately thought, “No he won’t. He’ll come out completely healthy because I serve a sovereign God.” I was actually negotiating with the NICU nurse about how many hours he’d be required to stay before Will was born. I had her down to 6 hours. I was a cocky seminary student who was going to show the neonatal department that my God was sovereign. My God was going to give me a perfectly healthy 34 week old preemie. The one minor problem with my theology was that the God I was talking about wasn’t sovereign. Because the God I was talking about was my own vain imagination. I thought God owed me a healthy baby. I thought God would dance to my tune and on my time. I have been humbled because I’m learning that in so many ways I only talk a good game. I fancy myself Wyatt Earp dealing faro at the Oriental but in reality I’m a lot more Johnny Tyler.

Wyatt: You skin that smoke wagon and we’ll see what happens!

Tyler: Listen mister, I’m getting awful tired of your…

[Wyatt slaps him]

Wyatt: I’m gettin’ tired of all your gas, now jerk that pistol and go to work! I said throw down boy!

[Wyatt slaps him harder]

Wyatt: Are you gonna do something? Or just stand there and bleed?

(If this reference doesn’t make sense, you need to get your hands on a copy of Tombstone and a bag of popcorn.)

I trust the LORD with Will’s life. I trust the LORD with the lives of all my children. God does not owe me another breath of life. God does not owe Will one more breath. Every breath we have is a gift. Psalm 8 talks about the God who created the Universe, who placed the moon and the stars in the sky. Then it asks the question, “What is man that you are mindful of him and the son of man that you care for him?” The God who holds the expanse of the Universe in the span of his hand (Is 40:12) cares for little William Oliver. He is the God who formed his inmost parts. His eyes saw all of Will’s days when there was not yet one of them (Ps 139). This is the sovereign God in whom I can trust. This God does not march to my tune. He is crafting his own song through Will’s life. I will continually pray for Will’s health. I will continually present my petitions to the LORD, but I must not allow them to become commands. I can’t think that anyone other than the LORD is in control.