The First Next Step

Seminary is over. Perhaps the most difficult part of the last few weeks has been accepting the fact that this chapter has concluded. I liked this chapter. Some chapters of books can stand alone as great works in and of themselves. I think of the “Grand Inquisitor” from Dostoyevsky’s novel The Brothers Karamazov. That chapter was Dostoyevsky’s dealing with his own lack of faith in a haunting and chilling way. It is brilliant and you can read that chapter without reading the whole book. But it, like any single chapter, is better in the context of the whole book. The seminary chapter of my life was great. I’d like to think it could serve as a stand alone story, but it is better in the context of the whole.

So, the question is…what’s the next chapter? I’ve been praying about the next chapter ever since I started the previous one. And the Lord, in His graciousness, has provided the first “next step” for us. In a few weeks time, our family will pack up and move to Freeport, Bahamas.

I have accepted an interim pastoral position at LucayaPresbyterian Church (EPC) in Freeport, Bahamas. We will be there at least through the end of August. They are currently searching for a full-time pastor and I will help them fill in the gap until the right man is found. This is a great opportunity for me to get some more experience preaching and beginning to exercise the gifts the Lord has given me. And while we would have made the same decision if the location had been in, say…Iowa (nothing against Iowa, Kevin Costner thinks it’s darn near “heavenly.”), it doesn’t hurt that the church is located mere miles from some of the most beautiful water in the world. Make no mistake, though, this is not a vacation, I’m there to work…but we’ll manage to find time for some fun too! I will be preaching weekly, leading a Bible Study and prayer meeting, and doing some pastoral visitation.

I do solicit your prayers. I’ve never preached on a weekly basis. It will be a totally different kind of work week for me. Please pray that God’s Word would fall on fertile ground (first in my heart and then in the hearts of the people) as I preach each week. But even before we begin this, we have to pack up our house in Orlando, say our goodbyes, and prepare to leave for several months. Leaving is always a difficult thing. We are made to live in time and space. We are made to occupy a particular place. One can’t help but develop roots in a place and every move requires those roots to be dug up. It is a bittersweet time. We are so excited for this next chapter. But starting this chapter means that the last one is done. We’re excited for the what lies ahead but we mourn what we’ll leave behind.

And we’ve only been given this first “next step.” We don’t know where the Lord will take us after our time in the Bahamas. We’ve applied with several churches. We trust the Lord that there is a church looking for us as we look for them. But we don’t yet know where that is. Again, we solicit your prayers. We are learning how to trust the Lord in new and exciting ways. That’s the positive way of saying that we are living in anxiety producing times. Like many lessons, however, experience is the best teacher. But all things being equal, I wish I could just read about it in a book. Thankfully, God is a good story-teller. He’s writing a great work in my life and I’m hopeful that this next chapter will outshine the previous one. 

The End is Just a Means to an End

So, this is it? I finished my last exam of my last class of my last semester of my last year of seminary. It is finished. To be honest, it was kind of anticlimactic. You’d like to hear sirens, bells, or whistles go off…but no such luck. I turned in my final and shook the Registrar’s hand. He whispered, “Congratulations.” I whispered back, “Thank you.” There you go. I’m done. I milled about the school for a little while, not really wanting to acknowledge that it was over.

I’m really going to miss that place. RTS has been really good to me. I’ve come to love the professors, administrators, and staff. I love the library. I love the bookstore. I love hanging out with all the other students. And I’ve done well there. I’ve received grades that far exceed my acquisition of knowledge (maybe I shouldn’t admit this until after graduation). I’ve been given great leadership opportunities. I’ve made connections with some of the brightest minds in the Church. But now it’s over.

I was walking toward the door to leave…and I couldn’t do it. I made a detour into the bookstore. I didn’t need to go into the bookstore, but I had to delay my walking out the door and finalizing the end of my student days at RTS.

Going into seminary I knew that it is a means and not an end. Seminary is path to be trod and not a destination. But I got comfortable there. Life was pretty good there. Why would I want to leave?

I’m struggling with the reality that the dominant metaphor of life is a pilgrimage. We are all pilgrims on a journey. In John Bunyan’s The Pilgrim’s Progress, the protagonist, Christian, is relieved of his burden of sin early in the book. The vast majority of the book is not about Christian’s need for forgiveness of sin. It is about Christian’s journey through this world to the world which is to come. While it would be easier for him to stop and live in one of the many places along the way, those are not his final destination. Those stops will never satisfy.

The vast majority of our lives is not about the removal of our sin. Don’t misunderstand, that is crucial and without it none of the other stuff happens. But the vast majority of our lives is a pilgrimage to the Holy City. We live in what is called the “Already and Not Yet.” We are already citizens of that city. We are already in Christ. We are already fully justified in Christ and adopted by the Father. But we are not yet in that city. We do not yet see things are they are. We look through a mirror darkly. We are not yet free of this body of sin. We are not yet glorified with new bodies. We do not yet have every tear wiped away by Jesus himself. We are already and not yet.

Kim and I came to seminary because we believe that the LORD has gifted and called me to shepherd his flock by pastoring in the local church. To stop at seminary because it is comfortable, because it is nice, because we’re happy is to miss the whole point. Similarly, to stop in my Christian life once I’ve experienced the forgiveness of sin is to miss the whole point. Yes, Jesus came to die for your sins…but there is so much more! There is a pilgrimage to be made. There is a greater goal than your personal happiness and well-being. There is the greatness of our God and His kingdom here on earth as it is in heaven! This is not the end.

God Never Wastes Suffering

This is an article I wrote for our church in light of our situation with Will(which has been resolved) and several other situations in our church family. I continue to be saddened by the suffering that those around me experience and yet hopeful for what God is doing in its midst.
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The past few weeks have been trying for our church family. I have been so impressed by how we have rallied around the ICU; for Kim and me with Will’s premature birth and now for the Owen family as Nick battles for his life. These could be added to various trials many others are facing, such as the Butterfield’s year-long ordeal with a whole host of issues. Every one of us is probably dealing with some sort of suffering in some manner or another. These events try our faith and test our belief in a good and sovereign God.

What are we to make of suffering? This is an issue with which philosophers and theologians have always wrestled. The Biblical truth is that God never wastes suffering, and neither should we. When the early Church Fathers were formulating the Apostles’ Creed, they summarized the whole activity of Jesus’ life by saying “He suffered.” This is hard for our American Christian ears to hear. So much of our culture is predicated on the avoidance of suffering. Think about all the advertising with which you are bombarded on a daily basis. Every bit of it tells you that you don’t have to suffer if you would only buy this product or use this service. But God can use suffering to tear away the façade and to teach us lessons that would otherwise be unheard.

Suffering has a purpose. “The testing of our faith produces steadfastness” (James 1:2-4). “Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us” (Rom 5:1-4). The idea that suffering is out of the ordinary for Christians is a concept foreign to the pages of Scripture. Suffering and trials are a part of our life. And God intended it that way. He uses it to work out faith in the lives of His people. And we would do well not to short circuit the process. Rather, we need to see our sufferings as a conduit to faith. This doesn’t necessarily dull the pain we feel or the heartache we experience but it does give a purpose. Suffering should point us to the ultimate reality of God. When our ultimate reality is God our perspectives are changed. The minor things in life no longer seem so important. Our hearts are more captivated by that which is major. In the midst of suffering the truth of the Gospel takes on a depth that is otherwise unknown. Halfway through our NICU stay a nurse pulled me aside and said, “You know, this experience is going to make you a better pastor.” I replied, “Sure, but I wish I could have just read about it in a book.” We don’t like suffering, but God uses it for His glory in our lives. Suffering is a reality of living in a fallen world. As believers we can either run from it or seek the LORD in it. John Piper wrote a book “Don’t Waste Your Life,” and when he was diagnosed with cancer, he wrote an article titled “Don’t Waste Your Cancer.” I have been struck by Piper’s idea of not wasting our suffering. God doesn’t waste suffering and neither should we. Here are three ways to assure that our suffering is not wasted.

1. Acknowledge that God is sovereign and he allowed whatever suffering we face for our good. This truth can be hard to swallow. It becomes impossible to accept when we fail to see our lives in the light of eternity. But we must remember that not a single molecule of the Universe is outside of the sovereign control of God. What others may intend for evil, God intends for good (Gen 50:20; Rom 8:28).
2. Seek our comfort in God and not in relief from suffering. “Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God” (Ps 20:7). In our day and age, we are blessed with such amazing medical advancements. Medically, we can do things which were only dreamt of a generation ago. And yet suffering remains. God will use this to remind us that He and He alone is our comfort. If we find our comfort in doctors and medicine or in anything else that offers relief, we will only be disappointed.
3. Take the opportunity to join with those who suffer by giving. The early church saw tremendous growth through its willingness to sacrifice for those who suffered. When babies were abandoned in ancient Rome, the Christians would rescue them and raise them (much to the consternation of the Roman officials). When plague and disease ran rampant in communities, the Christians stayed and ministered to the sick and dying. The Church was and continues to be built through generous giving. In the midst of suffering you and I have the privilege of giving our time, our money, our skills, and maybe even our lives to join with those in need. This is what Christ did for you. This is what it means to be generous with your life. This is what it means to live out the Gospel for others.

God never wastes suffering. If we do not look for the LORD in the midst of trials then we will miss that purpose and we will waste our suffering. You are not alone. Christ has given himself to enter into our suffering and he will supply every one of your needs (Phil 4:19). May God be glorified in our suffering.

All are Home and Accounted For

Our days in the NICU are over. Praise the LORD!
Kim and I went in this morning and Will had met all the benchmarks to be discharged. It was weird actually putting him in real clothes and his car seat today. He only looks like he was strapped in for a space shuttle launch. In reality it's just a Chevy Venture...but it does have leather seats and cruise control. But it was good to say a final good-bye to the nurses. They were great, but it's nice to not be seeing them on a regular basis. It was sad that I started to figure out the work rotation schedule.We're thankful for this process. Kim and I have been so encouraged by how so many friends and families rallied to watch Hunter and Millie, cook meals, and just generally do anything we needed. I'm pretty sure I could have started making completely random requests and someone would have done it.
"Hey friend, remember when you said call if we needed anything? Well, I need a fake mustache just like Tom Selleck's."
"Sure thing. Do you want it like Magnum PI or the new one with touch of gray like Blue Bloods?"
"Magnum PI."
"Give me twenty minutes."
I mean, I never needed a fake mustache much less one that looks like Tom Selleck's, but if I did you guys would have gotten it to me. I can't really say how much you all mean to us. I haven't even mentioned how you prayed for us. I know you prayed for us because when I made jokes at inappropriate times, Kim laughed.We are so glad to be home. It is a little weird, though. Around 5pm, I started getting that feeling like I was running late. Usually we were getting ready to head back to the hospital at that time. We've also been letting the nurses change all the diapers. Well, the nurses ain't around no more. So we're back to the diaper changing routine. Sometime when I'm feeling especially excited about changing diapers I'll post Martin Luther's comments on diapers. It'll make you rethink baby poo...but in a good way.
Now the real fun begins. We're so blessed that the LORD has allowed us to have Will. Kim and I have the privilege to raise him and his brother and sister in the fear and admonition of the LORD. I was encouraged at church on Sunday as I led the congregation in reading Psalm 127. The second half of the psalm says:
³Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
⁴Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one’s youth.
⁵Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Tomorrow Is The Day (We Hope)

If all goes well tonight, Will is going to be discharged in the morning! He's been feeding well. Several of the nurses told us that often the nursing just clicks for the baby. One time he struggles and the next time he guzzles. They didn't say it like that, but maybe I'll pass it on to them. It's kinda catchy.
Kim and I left the hospital around lunch time. My mom was coming back from Tampa with Hunter and Millie. I told Kim, "Let's grab lunch somewhere." Kim said, "I'm not that hungry. I think I'll just get something at home." I replied, "You could do that, but this is going to be the last chance for a long while when you and I can eat out alone." She quickly replied, "Panera it is." I'm in a little bit of panic mode right now. We've got a baby coming soon. We're still nearly three weeks ahead of schedule.
We've got the car seat out of storage. I found another small box of newborn clothes. We been slowly accumulating diapers. I think it will all come together. Cause the lil' dude is coming home whether we're ready or not. And I couldn't be happier.

It's Time to Hit the Training Table

Will is doing well. Now our only goal for him is to develop in feeding. He needs to be able to eat from a bottle or nursing consistently for two days. We're hoping that by mid-week we're checking out of the Hotel NICU. It gets a little harder each day to leave the little guy.
Today was a good day on the feeding front. Will took a full feeding from a bottle. He took a full feeding nursing. These are both firsts. If you really want all the details, feel free to email or call and I'll tell you that you really should get out more.
My sister and Mom have taken Hunter and Millie to Tampa for the weekend. They'll get back home tomorrow. We'll then start trying to adjust to our new normal. That should be fun. Please keep our family in your prayers. We can't do this without you.
Speaking people without whom we couldn't have done this. This is one of our favorite nurses. I'm posting her picture because she's going to be taking three days off and I'm hoping that we don't see her again. That's kinda what I tell every nurse whenever they start their off days. It's nothing personal, we just wanna get outta there.

Look Ma, No IV!

Sorry that I didn't update yesterday. I was just too dadgum tired. I'm sure you understand. Here are the developments since I last wrote. Will had viral meningitis caused by an enterovirus. All of the lab results indicated that he doesn't have a bacterial infection. With those results the doctors felt that is was time to remove the IV. This is great because they had been using a vein in his head for his IV. Apparently veins in babies' arms and legs are small. This makes sense. You never see newborns with bulging bodybuilder veins. That would be freaky. But, babies do have great veins in their heads, so they often get IVs in the head. But anytime you stick something in to someone's scalp you never think, "This is normal, everything is okay." Nope, if you have something stuck in your scalp, you want it out. And the good news is that Will's IV is out. This is also good news because it also means that Will no longer needs to receiving any medication or fluids through an IV.So, now Will is all clear on the breathing/lung front. He is all clear on the meningitis front. He's even wearing clothes. Until now he'd been kickin' it in a diaper and blankets (only because they don't make a Snuggie in his size). Now we are only waiting for him to pick up the strength and coordination to nurse. He still receives milk through a feeding tube in his nose several times a day. We're slowly working on introducing feeding by bottle and nursing. Once he can do this we'll all be home. We're really really really looking forward to that.
As you pray for us, please pray that nursing would just click for Will. We've been told that sometimes the baby will just all of a sudden get it. We're still waiting for that. It can't come soon enough. We also need strength. The longer this more tired we get. It's like we got lined up for a race and the starter pistol went off and we started sprinting. That sprint slowed to a run and then to a jog. Now we're beginning to think that knowing the distance of the race would really help us in pacing.

Enterovirus!!!

I never thought I’d be happy to say this but I am thrilled to say that Will has/had the enterovirus! I’ve never prayed for one of my children to have a virus. Will’s lab results came back positive for the enterovirus. He was negative for the more serious viruses that can cause meningitis. His body has already or nearly kicked the enterovirus, so this is a good step in the right direction. We are still waiting for some lab results that will help us rule our any bacterial infection. Lord willing, we’ll be off antibiotics tomorrow.

Our final benchmark is Will’s feeding. He nursed twice today, but he still needs to get stronger. He will feed by mouth 3 times a day until he is able to increase. Once he is able to nurse well on his own then we should be able to bring Will home. I can’t tell you how much we are looking forward to that.

My sister has come over from Tampa to stay with the kids while Kim and I go to the hospital during the day. She also bought us meat. But not just meat, steaks. And not just steaks, but steaks in bulk from Costco. But wait, there’s more! (Sounds like Billy Rubin) We also got bacon. So what do you do with steaks and bacon? You take bacon and wrap it around the steak. That’s right, meat wrapped around meat! Can it get better than this? Maybe only if you could inject meat into the meat and then wrap it with meat…but now I’m just talking nonsense.

Thanks for praying for our family. We’re so thankful for all the Lord has done. We have been blessed with three great kids. We’re looking forward to when all five of us are home.

The Good in Suffering

I’ve often caught myself saying things like, “Will came too early.” I’m learning to stop and change my wording. Will was not born early. He came at the exact time he was supposed to. He may have been premature but he wasn’t early. God knew exactly what he was doing with our little guy.

I’ve been reading and re-reading Psalm 139 over the last few days. The first few nights after Will was born, I would steal away to the NICU and read this Psalm to him.

Psalm 139:13-15

(13) For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

(14) I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

(15) My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Every little part of Will was known by God. He knew what was going on. He is fearfully and wonderfully made. His frame was not hidden from God. Those first few nights I would stand over Will’s little body hooked up to hoses and wires and remind myself that none of this was a surprise to God. God knew what was happening to him. That was really hard. It’s always one thing to read God’s Word and believe it and another to experience these trials and believe it.

(16) Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

While Will was premature he was not early because our great God and Father knew every one of Will’s days from the beginning. God is using this truth in the midst of our trial to produce faith. This is a lesson that is difficult for our American (or more broadly speaking Western) sensibilities. We don’t do well with suffering. So much of our society is built upon medicating suffering without ever dealing with it. But God’s Word tells us again and again that suffering has a message for us. James 1:2-4 says that “testing produces steadfastness” which leads to “perfection and completion.” Romans 5:1-4 says that “suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” This hope is anchored in the reality that Christ died to justify God’s people. 1 Peter 1:5-9 says that “though now for a little while…you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith – more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire – may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” There are several more passages that link suffering to faith (2 Peter 1:3-7; Heb 10:36ff, etc.). None of these passages gives the idea that this is out of the ordinary for Christians. Suffering and trials are a part of our life. And God knows this. He is okay with it because each of our days were known “when as yet there was none of them.” He uses these to work out faith in the lives of His people. We must not short circuit the process. We need to see our sufferings as a conduit to faith. This doesn’t dull the pain we might feel or the heartache we might experience but it does give a purpose. And if we do not look for the LORD in the midst of trials then we will miss that purpose.

Will continues to improve. His platelet level is up a little more. He gained a little more weight. He even nursed with Kim tonight. He still isn’t getting a full feeding by mouth, but we’re making progress. As he continues to gain strength and coordination we will increase the volume and frequency of his feeding by mouth. The cause of his meningitis is still unknown. We are praying for a virus. I never really thought I’d ever pray for a virus. Whether it is viral or bacterial, Will is showing good improvement. If it is bacterial we’ll need to remain in the NICU for several more days for antibiotic treatment. If it is viral then we might get discharged sooner. Until the lab results are in, though, we wait. We are so thankful for you and for you continued prayers. This journey has been much longer than we expected, but God is generous and faithful. Kim and I have learned much and William will have a great testimony of God’s work in his life.

This is the monitor showing Will's weight after he nursed for the first time. Apparently Will's weight is sponsored in part by GE. I thought the rainbow is a nice touch.

This is how I enjoy spending my NICU time. Reading a book (on my sweet new Kindle) and holding my lil' dude. Maybe I should be sponsored by Amazon.

Well, at least it's not that...

I promised pictures...and I deliver on my promises.

It's not a lot of pictures, but pictures nonetheless.

We’re still waiting for the full results of Will’s spinal tap. We have, however, been able to conclusively rule out Bieber fever. Baby, baby, baby, I can’t tell you how relieved we were to get this news.

Will’s lab work should be in by Friday. That will give us some good info about what kind of infection we’re dealing with. He has meningitis. Broadly speaking this is an inflammation of the membranes that surround the brain and spinal cord. The two main types of meningitis are bacterial and viral. Of the two, viral is much better than bacterial. Most of the bad things you’ve heard about meningitis come from bacterial forms of it. Whatever the form, though, it has been addressed early. He’s getting antibiotics and has been for several days. He’s also getting an antiviral medicine in case it is a certain form of virus. If it is an enterovirus the course of treatment is to let it run its course. We don’t know for sure which type Will has, but so far everything is pointing to a viral meningitis from an enterovirus. This would be consistent with the bug Kim has been struggling with all week. Will’s platelet level is up. His weight is up. He seems more energetic and alert. All these seem to point to Will being on the upswing of this meningitis. The doctors have been very reassuring to me. They haven’t seemed frazzled by the meningitis, so I’ve managed to remain calm. I have been so impressed by our nurses and doctors. I’m deeply thankful that when I was loafing through Biology 110, at least someone understood what was going on. I’ll stick with parsing Greek and Hebrew verbs.

Please continue to pray. We are receiving great care. As soon as the neonatalogist gets the lab results he’ll consult with a pediatric infectious disease specialists. Then we should find out what the next few days are going to look like. Until then we wait and I exercise the mental discipline of not thinking about worse case scenarios.

Now, concerning little William’s lungs. It seems that things are on the upswing. His breathing is stabilizing. His respiratory rate is down. He’s been able to feed off a bottle. The major hang up on this front goes back to the meningitis. The infection has sapped his energy and Will just doesn’t have the strength to feed from the bottle. As he develops strength he’ll develop coordination and be able to eat more from the bottle and then to nurse. Sometimes he just forgets to breathe while eating. I can relate, I’ve gotten that way at the Golden Corral.

Quick Update

I just re-read my post from last night. I didn't really proofread it before I posted it, so I apologize for the incoherence. I really do understand that the comma is only helpful when it is used properly. My excuse is that I was watching the final quarter of the Auburn-Oregon game and entering into deep stages of exhaustion. Not the best time to start writing, at least not if you want anyone to understand what you writing.
We're still waiting for lab results, so we don't have a definite word on what kind of infection Will has. He is doing better today, though. His platelet levels are up. His color is better. He packed on a whopping 2 ounces. He was pretty active when I held him. He was much more alert...I guess. I'm not really sure how alert a one week old preemie is supposed to be. The doctor and nurses seemed encouraged, though...and when they are encouraged, I am encouraged.
The spinal tap lab results should be done before the end of the week. Everything still seems to point toward whatever Kim has/had. The Pediatric Infectious Disease doctor (now you're talking specialist) wasn't willing to make any kind of diagnosis until those labs came back. So now we wait...well, we've been waiting, so now we wait some more.

This is Spinal Tap

This is Spinal Tap! This is the point where I think of some clever way to work in the best quote from Spinal Tap:

Nigel Tufnel: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and...
Marty DiBergi: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?
Nigel Tufnel: Exactly.
Marty DiBergi: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
Marty DiBergi: I don't know.
Nigel Tufnel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
Marty DiBergi: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel Tufnel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty DiBergi: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
Nigel Tufnel: [pause] These go to eleven.

This morning we got word from the doctor that Will was going to be getting a spinal tap. His platelet levels continued to dip over the evening. He’s not to the point where he needs a transfusion, but it is a concern for the doctors. In case your medical knowledge pales in comparison to the walking Grey’s Anatomy that I’ve become, a drop in his platelet level is an indication that there is infection of some sort somewhere in his little body (clear as mud, right?). That’s about all we knew. Now, when I hear spinal tap I think invasive procedure. So I went down and talked with the doctor to determine just how necessary this was going to be. Turns out it was necessary. So Will got his spinal tap. The full results will take a few days but what we know right now is the somehow Will has contracted meningitis (Wow, I spelled that right on the first try). The question remains as to what kind of meningitis he has. The doctor doesn’t believe it is bacterial, but he’s on antibiotics until we know for sure. If it is a bacterial infection then Will will need 14 days of antibiotics. That’s a much longer NICU stay than we’re hoping. Who are we kidding? We’ve already had a much longer NICU stay than we were hoping. If it is a viral infection, the question is what kind of virus. Most likely it is the same thing that has been giving Kim a fit all week. The doctor calls it an enterovirus. If it isn’t that, then we’re dealing something possibly more serious. So, for those of you praying for us, we’re praying for enterovirus. The good news is that we’re starting to get a handle of what has been slowing Will’s development. He did look better today. He’s also slowly learning how to feed from a bottle better. He still has a way to go before he can get a full feeding from a bottle, much less from nursing with Kim. That’s our major benchmark.

On another note, Kim and I are back home. We’ve decided that while Will isn’t nursing Kim can heal and rest better in her own bed. When Will starts nursing we’ll look at going back to boarding. It’s also good to be with Hunter and Millie. We’re working on trying to get to as close to whatever our “new normal” is going to be even before we bring Will home.

I’m sorry I don’t have any new pictures today. I’ll work on getting some up tomorrow. He really doesn’t look all the different. They did switch his feeding tube to his other nostril, so you could take an old picture and do an mirror image and it’d be like a new picture. I’ll leave that one to you.

Sunday: Church, Lunch and Platelets

We made it to church this morning. That was a blessing. I don't think Kim and I have ever felt as ministered to as we did today. It was good to be with our church family. I actually enjoyed answering the same question over and over again. Simply put, I felt loved. Our Affirmation of Faith today came from the Westminster Confession of Faith 2.2.

God hath all life, glory, goodness, blessedness, in and of Himself; and is alone in and unto Himself all-sufficient, not standing in need of any creatures which He hath made, nor deriving any glory from them, but only manifesting His own glory in, by, unto, and upon them. He is the alone fountain of all being, of whom, through whom, and to whom are all things and hath most sovereign dominion over them, to do by them, for them, or upon them whatsoever Himself pleaseth. In His sight all things are open and manifest, His knowledge is infinite, infallible, and independent upon the creature, so as nothing is to Him contingent, or uncertain. He is most holy in all His counsels, in all His works, and in all His commands. To Him is due from angels and men, and every other creature, whatsoever worship, service, or obedience He is pleased to require of them.

I nearly cried as we affirmed this great truth about our great God and Father. I did cry when my friend Justin led the church in prayer for our little Will. It was good to be there.
We had a great time with our friend Ted and Staci after church. They treated us to a great lunch. Ted and Staci have a 7 year old who spent several weeks in the NICU when he was born. It is good to talk with friends who really understand what’s going on. We have been blessed with such great friends.

Today, we got the news that Will’s platelet count was low. It was a little low last night and went lower this morning. This is most like the result of some sort of infection. He’s on an antibiotic and we’ll get test results in the morning. If it is something viral, he’ll go on anti-viral meds then. We’re also praying for Kim. She’s been going up and down with a fever and general “feeling yuck-i-ness” (that’s the technical medical terminology…I asked a nurse and she said so). She was great a church and during lunch and then she’s been mostly asleep since then. Whenever she has a fever she has to go 12 hours without one before she can go back in the NICU. That’s really hard for her (and me). It is entirely possible that Will’s infection is the same thing Kim’s struggling with.

I went down tonight and spent some time just talking with him. He grabbed my finger and pulled it close into his chest. I pretty much melted into a puddle of goo (sorry for more technical medical terminology). It was so fun to just look into each other’s eyes (even though he can’t really see much more than fuzzy spots and light…then again, it’s not like seeing me up close is all that much of a treat, maybe fuzzy spots and light is an improvement). We had a great chat and he passes on his deep appreciation and love for each one of you as do Kim and I. It is an encouragement every day to see all the people who are following along with Will’s story and praying for our little guy. We are blessed.

Kim's Sister and Dad came to visit this weekend too. It was great having them here. We're looking forward to when Jennifer comes back in February for Will's birth (what do they say about the best laid plans?).

Kim's Mom has been here all week doing yeoman's work with Hunter and Millie. I'm not sure how we would have worked this stuff out without her.

And finally, a little more fun picture. Have you ever worked on a car and gotten your hands really dirty? I mean so dirty that you have to use Lava soap? Lava soap has pumice in it and an industrial strength degreaser to work all the gunk off your hands. It also takes off the top layer of skin. Now, have you ever thought, "You know, I'm not sure that just taking off the top layer of skin will get my hands so clean that I'd consider them sterile. Is there a soap product out there that might chemically remove the top 3-4 layers of skin?" Yes. Yes there is. It's called Triseptin and we use it to scrub in every time we enter the NICU. My hands are starting to look like a lizard when he's molting. Fun times. Fun time, indeed. Thank you for praying!

Slow and Steady

Tonight was pretty good. We got out for a family dinner (minus Will). When Kim got back we got to give Will a bottle. This was a big advancement for him. He's never taken food by mouth. For a moment, life seemed a little more normal.We're hoping that we'll be able to start breastfeeding soon. Maybe as soon at tomorrow morning. These are all just little steps toward getting home. Will's respiratory rate has come down. I can't tell you how many hours have been spent staring at this monitor waiting for the bottom number to get below 70.The doctor told me that it appears that we're on the backside of the respiratory issue. This is great great great news. But the mantra continues to be slow and steady. We can't rush him. He'll make the next step when he's ready and I'll continue to learn how to be humble and patient. It's almost like Will is trying to teach me to slow down.I'll finish this update with one of my favorite pictures of this whole process.TRON: The Legacy Begins
This was part of the light treatment Will received. It's a bed of fiber optic cables. It glows a brilliant blue and I just thought it looked cool. It gives him the same light therapy the overhead lamp does but without the heat so that his backside gets light without burning his rump. No one likes that kind of rump roast. This is going to be an awesome picture to pull out on Prom night or at his Rehearsal Dinner.

An Update and Some Thoughts on Our Experience

I’m at home for the night. Kim’s sister got into town and they are staying at the hospital tonight. Today was much better than last night. I had a great chat with the doctor this morning. Aside from him declaring that Will is destined to be a Patriots fan, it was a great chat. The gist is the Will is still dealing with some jaundice. His bilirubin (call in the next 20 minutes and we’ll throw in 2^nd liver disorder for free) level is still high. The fifth day is typically the highpoint for these levels, so the doctor got proactive with the light therapy.

Unrelated to the jaundice is Will’s respiratory rate. This is the bigger issue. He’s still hovering around 90 breaths/minute. He needs to be below 70. Once he’s below 70 he can start feeding by bottle or breast. Will has to show that he can eat well before he can go home. This is what we are desperately waiting for. There are a few ancillary issues with the breathing. Will has a low-grade fever. This could be a result of the light therapy. It could be his body has yet to figure out how to regulate temperature. Or it could be an infection of some kind. If it is an infection, it could change the diagnosis vis-à-vis his breathing issues. Most likely the fever is nothing and the breathing will resolve itself in due time. I have to constantly remind myself that I’m not in control. The doctor keeps saying that Will is in control and he’ll set the pace.

In a sense, he’s right. But I can’t help but think that the doctor is mistaken. Job 38 and 39 detail the LORD’s response to Job. In no uncertain terms the LORD tells Job that He, and not Job, is in control. If you’ll permit my paraphrase, “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Was it you? Oh yeah, that’s right, you weren’t there. Who decided the measurements of the earth? Was it you? Oh yeah, that’s right, you weren’t there. Who told the waves, ‘You can come this far and no farther?’ Was it you? Oh yeah, that’s right, you weren’t there. Who was it, Job? Who? Tell me? That’s right, it was ME!” The doctor is wrong because the LORD is in control.

This has been a humbling experience for me. When we found out that Will would be in the NICU after birth, I immediately thought, “No he won’t. He’ll come out completely healthy because I serve a sovereign God.” I was actually negotiating with the NICU nurse about how many hours he’d be required to stay before Will was born. I had her down to 6 hours. I was a cocky seminary student who was going to show the neonatal department that my God was sovereign. My God was going to give me a perfectly healthy 34 week old preemie. The one minor problem with my theology was that the God I was talking about wasn’t sovereign. Because the God I was talking about was my own vain imagination. I thought God owed me a healthy baby. I thought God would dance to my tune and on my time. I have been humbled because I’m learning that in so many ways I only talk a good game. I fancy myself Wyatt Earp dealing faro at the Oriental but in reality I’m a lot more Johnny Tyler.

Wyatt: You skin that smoke wagon and we’ll see what happens!

Tyler: Listen mister, I’m getting awful tired of your…

[Wyatt slaps him]

Wyatt: I’m gettin’ tired of all your gas, now jerk that pistol and go to work! I said throw down boy!

[Wyatt slaps him harder]

Wyatt: Are you gonna do something? Or just stand there and bleed?

(If this reference doesn’t make sense, you need to get your hands on a copy of Tombstone and a bag of popcorn.)

I trust the LORD with Will’s life. I trust the LORD with the lives of all my children. God does not owe me another breath of life. God does not owe Will one more breath. Every breath we have is a gift. Psalm 8 talks about the God who created the Universe, who placed the moon and the stars in the sky. Then it asks the question, “What is man that you are mindful of him and the son of man that you care for him?” The God who holds the expanse of the Universe in the span of his hand (Is 40:12) cares for little William Oliver. He is the God who formed his inmost parts. His eyes saw all of Will’s days when there was not yet one of them (Ps 139). This is the sovereign God in whom I can trust. This God does not march to my tune. He is crafting his own song through Will’s life. I will continually pray for Will’s health. I will continually present my petitions to the LORD, but I must not allow them to become commands. I can’t think that anyone other than the LORD is in control.

Catching Some Rays

Will is getting some light therapy for his jaundice. We're also hopeful that if college isn't in his future he can make it on the Jersey Shore. The nurses mentioned that he'll need to work on his hair.



I'm a big fan of the eye shades. He's also got the "Thinker" pose.
The update on his situation is that his respiratory rate is still too high. It needs to drop below 70. His bilirubin levels are on the rise, but this is somewhat expected. The light therapy should reduce those levels. We're monitoring for infection because he's had a low-grade fever but it could be from sleeping under a french-fry lamp. If the nurses pull out a large shaker of salt then I'll start to raise objections.
Please keep praying that his respiratory rate slows. Once it slows we can start feeding him with a bottle or at the breast. Until then he's fed via a tube through his nose. And until Will demonstrates that he can feed well then he's stuck in the NICU. It's a wonderful place but we want to get the heck outta there.

Boarding

We've been given "Boarding" status for tonight. It is a day to day situation, so whoever was praying for that...keep doing it. And keep praying for Will's respiratory rate to drop to below 70.
We are so thankful for all of you.

I Promised Pictures

I promised some pictures, and I don't want to be called a liar...so here ya go. He is a super cute kid. Here's the latest:
We're still waiting on his respiratory rate to stabilize. Keep praying that it will settle below 70. You don't have to know what that means, just pray for it. He can't nurse until it drops and he can't go home until he begins to nurse well.
We were hoping to get "Boarding" status at the hospital. That would allow us to remain in our room but Kim not be a patient. It is a service Winter Park Hospital provides for free if space is available. Unfortunately, every pregnant woman in Central Florida decided to give birth and we've been bumped out. If space becomes available then we can move back in. This would be a really great thing because it keeps us close to Will.
On a positive note, though, the NICU is moving us into a private room. The accommodations are austere unless you're a preemie. We can't eat or drink in the room, but we can sleep there. And that is a blessing. As far as praying, you can pray that his breathing rate slows and we can get "Boarding" status at the hospital.

Update on Will

I’m so sorry that I didn’t write anything yesterday. I’ve vastly underestimated how much energy this little adventure requires. I just didn’t have it in me write up a post. My apologies. My double apologies for the fact that there will be no new pictures in this post. I came home to relieve Kim’s Mom, who has been watching Hunter and Millie. I left the camera at the hospital, so I’ll try my best to upload some pictures tonight. I promise. If you’re still reading even though you know there will be no pictures, then thank you. It takes dedication to keep reading when you know there is no pictorial pay-off.

So, Will is making steady progress. Every time I’ve gone into the NICU I’ve been encouraged by little steps he’s making. The nasal cannula is out. Will is completely off breathing assistance! This is great news. His respiratory rate is still a little erratic. If you want to know it is Transient Tachypnea of the Newborn (TTN). There’s probably about 2% of you that have any idea what that is and the rest will now be able to ace that question on Jeopardy!. Basically, Will needs it to slow down and stabilize his breathing rate before he can breastfeed. The doctor wants to see him with a stabilized respiratory rate and breastfeeding for 5 days before he can discharge him and we can go home. This was somewhat discouraging for me. He’s still making good progress and there is very little that I could complain about…but I was hoping that we’d make it back home by Sunday (if not earlier). I guess we're dealing with the "Bondage of the Will"...ha! seminary jokes. My apologies to everyone else. So, our prayer request is that Will’s respiratory rate would slow down to below 70. The good news is that we were going to be in the hospital for the Super Bowl and now we’ll be at home with a one month old. That’s pretty cool.

Will is also dealing with a little bit of jaundice. I’m told this is perfectly normal for preemies. Of course, you could tell me that it’s perfectly normal for a tuba to be sticking out of his left elbow and I could only say, “OK.” I just have no grid through which to evaluate anything. Jaundice is determined by the level of bilirubins in the bloodstream. Bilirubins is pronounced like “Billy Rubens.” When the doctor told me his Billy Ruben level was high, I thought, “Who is he talking about?” Billy Ruben sounds like an infomercial host. “Hi folks, Billy Ruben here with an amazing new product…the Chop-inator!” But, we need his bilirubin level to go down as well. If not, they will give him some light therapy, and by “light” I mean photo-light not gentle-light. I actually got that one the first time, but I see how it could be confusing.

Things For Which I'm Thankful

The past couple of days have been a whirlwind. In the midst of having a baby in the NICU I have found myself continually thinking about how blessed we have been in this little adventure. Here are some things for which I'm thankful (in no particular order):

1. I'm thankful that William Oliver is making steady progress.
2. I'm thankful that he is slowly being weaned off oxygen. The CPAP mask has been removed and now he's only using a tube on his nostrils.
3. I'm thankful that Kim is doing really well. She is healing nicely from the stresses of surgery.
4. I'm thankful that our nurses have been fantastic and helpful.
5. I'm thankful that our family has been great. My family came over from Tampa and Kim's mom flew in last night from Chattanooga.
6. Speaking of...I'm thankful that Belle's flight made it from Chattanooga. It was set to get into Orlando at 8:40pm...I picked her up at 1:30am. Better late than never, right?
7. I'm thankful for Bud and Grey Leonard who came on Sunday night to pray with us before Will was born. The also brought me dinner...and I'm always thankful for dinner.
8. I'm thankful that Bud thinks we named Will after him. It's good to have your Church Administrator/elder/Chopper Fighter Pilot/landlord/manly man/Bud happy.
   
9. I'm thankful that I've managed to keep going despite the fact that I've only slept a few hours over the last two days. Praise God for caffeine and adrenaline.
   
10. I'm thankful that when Will gets an x-ray they use this little thing...
11. I'm thankful that they have scones, cookies, and coffee in the "Relaxation Lounge". They also have massage chairs and while I haven't had a chance to use them...I feel better just knowing they are there.
12. I'm thankful that when the Neonatalogist uses terminology that I don't understand I find comfort in believing that at least he understands what he is saying.
13. I'm thankful that nine years ago tomorrow (January 5, 2002) I married my best friend and now we have three beautiful children.
14. I'm thankful that when I went into surgery I didn't have to wear a hair net because really...what would be the point? Although the Anesthesiologist didn't have to point it out every few minutes.
15. I'm thankful for spell check because I don't know how to spell anesthesiologist.
16. I'm thankful for Staci and Ted for watching Hunter and Millie for the first night. You guys are awesome.
17. I'm thankful for Jennifer and Rodney for watching Hunter and Millie last night.
18. I'm thankful for Fritz staying at my house with the kids until I got back from the airport (which was supposed to be around 9:30pm and turned into 2:00am). Fritz, you're my hero.
19. I'm thankful for free wireless internet at the hospital.
20. I'm thankful for Rena, the massage therapist, who gives massages to new Moms...and Dads! She started working on my back today and asked me, "What do you do for a living? Are you at a desk most of the day?" I said, "I'm a seminary student and I read a lot." She told me, "Yep, I can tell." I wonder if what she's trying to say is that seminary has given me the flexibility of a porcelain doll.
    
21. I'm thankful for the "Busy" button on my cellphone. I'm so glad people want to call and I'm so glad that you understand when I ignore you.
22. I'm thankful that every time you hear the lullaby chime in the hallway, someone just had a baby.
    
23. I'm thankful for RTS-Orlando and how they have cared for us. Dr. Sweeting was coming by the hospital today. Some professors have sent encouraging emails. The registrar helped me with a class I had to cancel and reschedule. The secretaries have sent emails asking others to pray for Kim and Will.
24. I'm thankful for Pastor Frank and Agnes for coming by to see us last night. It was a lot of fun to talk and to show off my Kindle to someone who I knew would get really excited.
    
25. I'm thankful for Hunter and Millie. They are a great Big Bro and Big Sis combo. (Staci, thanks for the shirts!!)
    
26. I'm thankful for a God who would bless us so much by giving us Will, Millie, and Hunter. Children are blessing from the LORD.
    
27. I'm thankful that Will was born at the exact time that he was supposed to be born. It has been good for me to realize that even though my plans are not sovereign, I can lean hard into a God whose plans are.
28. I'm thankful that Will's cardiogram came back clear and his heart murmur is nothing and will resolve itself.
29. I'm thankful that Will took some milk this morning. The sooner he figures out how to use his stomach and how to eat the sooner we get to come home with him.
30. I'm thankful Kim's preferred doctor was on-call Sunday night.
31. I'm thankful for friends who live in different time zones. When it's 1:00am and you're sitting in an airport cell phone lot and you need someone to look up something on the internet its good to have friends in Alaska. Aaron and Katie, thanks for answering the phone and talking with me and praying for us.
    

I could go on and on, but I'll just post a few pics and call it day for the blog. We love you and please keep praying that Will will get to go home when Kim is discharged. We'll trust in God's timing but we want to leave the hospital together.

We Had a Month...

I’ll give you the brief snapshot from my perspective. Kim will fill in more details and story later. We went to church yesterday and all through the morning and after the service Kim complained that something felt different about the baby. That afternoon while I was getting ready to dig in for an NFL induced Sunday nap (the best kind) Kim kept feeling contractions. This was no big deal because we had a month before the little one’s due date (Feb. 7 to be exact). The contractions were pretty regular, but again, we had a month. After we talked with her doctor on the phone we decided that we’d head to hospital and check things out. Our friend Staci came over to watch the kids. I grabbed a book and my Kindle (most awesomest Christmas gift). Kim grabbed her purse and a few things. As we drove to the hospital Kim kept talking like this made sense because she’d been feeling things with her pregnancy differently over the last few days. She told me it felt like the baby had dropped. She cleaned those corners in our house that seem to accumulate stuff, you know the areas where you give yourself permission to just toss and worry about it later. You know when you clean those areas something’s going on. But I didn’t think this was anything because we had a month.

We talked about the class I was going to take in Atlanta next week. I’ve been busting my hump trying to get reading done beforehand. The book I grabbed on the way out the door was for that class. I figured if we were going to be waiting around for a few hours that I’d get some reading done.

Once we got the hospital they hooked Kim up to all the monitors and such. Sure enough she was in labor. They gave her some meds to stop it and I thought, we be home in a couple of hours because we had a month. The meds didn’t stop the labor. They started talking like we might have this baby today. All I could think was, “We have a month.” The started handing us paperwork. Paperwork?! That means you really think this is going to happen. But we had a month. They started asking questions about the birth. We didn’t have answers because we had a month to think about those things before we needed to answer them. They asked us if we had a name. NO, we don’t have a name…we had a month.

The doctor came in and sure enough, we were having this baby right now. They took Kim and got her prepped. I started writing down a list of stuff I’d need to get at home when I got a chance. We didn’t really bring anything to the hospital because…we had a month.

William Oliver Friederichsen was born at 9:00pm January 2, 2011. He weighed 7lbs 6oz and is 19.5inches. He is in the Neonatal ICU for now. His lungs are not filling like a full-term baby would. He’s on oxygen and we’re praying that soon he’ll be able to get off it and breathe all on his own. While it is a serious issue, it looks worse than it is. We haven’t been able to hold him much and that’s been pretty hard. Overall, though, Kim and I are doing pretty well. If you’re in the area feel free to give us a call if you want to visit and we’ll just be honest with you and let you know if you can come. You can drop Kim an email for encouragement, she’d appreciate it.